How to Raise a Confident Child.
Celebrating International Women’s Day.
So today is International Women’s Day, so what better blog to write than about how to raise a confident daughter, in fact most of this applies to boys too, which is the reason for the word ‘child’ in the title!
Children are put under so much pressure, at home from their parents, at school from their peers, on tv from story lines, on video games, magazines, social media … you name it! Children are constantly surrounded by opinions of others on how they should behave, the things they should be doing, the beliefs they should have and the appearance they should portray. Then at 18 years old, they are expected to stand on their own two feet and start making decisions for themselves, when they have no clue who they really are, or even what it is all about!
Think of it another way, from the moment we are born, until starting school. We follow our parent’s rules. Our actions, our beliefs, are all what we have been taught by our carers, whether these behaviors are right or wrong doesn’t even come into it, we are the result of what our parents feel is acceptable. Then we go to school ….
We start school around five years old, we then start coming into contact with other children that belong to families that have their own set of self-beliefs of what is or isn’t acceptable. So then what? Who is right? Who is wrong? Who is going to give in first? What happens if you don’t compromise? What happens if you follow??
If you follow, even when you disagree, you are not only going against your parents, but you are not standing up for yourself. If you don’t follow, you run the risk of being pushed out. You may be mature enough to compromise somehow, but then what if the other person doesn’t??
How confusing for any child! And yet it has to happen in order for any child to learn about relationships, they have to learn how to compromise, they have to learn that things won’t always go your way in life and they have to learn that there are good, bad, selfish and also many lovely people out there.
This confusion lasts throughout school life, then the child becomes 18 years old, they go to Uni / work and along comes an another generation of people. Some are stuck in their ways, some are open to new opportunities, but many are still searching for answers on who they are as people. You would be very lucky to know who you are, what you want from life and actually making life the way you want it to be by the time you are thirty!
Personal relationships are another biggy, I swear, you don’t know someone until you have lived with them until at least six months! It is pretty hard to hide your true self after six months of living with a partner. The first few months are full of love and giggles. The time you know you are with someone amazing is when you’ve lived with them for at least one whole year and you find that 95% of the time is truly bloody brilliant! … And yes, it absolutely does exist!
So how do you raise a confident child?
You stop what you are doing and ask them every day how their day went and listen to their answers. You ask how they feel when something has happened, good and bad. Anything that goes wrong you ask them how things could have gone differently. You encourage them to follow their dreams. Anything they show an interest in you make sure you are a pushy enough parent to introduce the opportunity to them, but respectful enough that if they don’t want to do it you back off. My rule has always been to be bossy enough and force a lesson of interest on the child, with the deal that if they have three lessons and they don’t like it, then after the third they don’t have to go again!
Here are my reasons for three … Before you go, the child normally says they don’t want to do it, even though you know they probably do. The first time they won’t take much in. I don’t know about you, but I find it hard to remember much when I am feeling a bit nervous. New people, new place, not knowing what I am doing etc, slightly embarrassing! The second lesson they know what to expect, then actually take in what is going on. The third lesson they relax enough to talk a little and maybe form a friendship, then they can normally make a good judgement of if it is for them or not. You then ask them if they would like to continue and if they say yes then great, but if they say no, then you step away and wait until they show an interest in something else and start again.
You make sure your child knows that they can talk to you about anything. I have always tried to teach my children my morals of what I believe is right and wrong, but once I have aired my opinions, I then give them a chance to tell me if they agree. Don’t get me wrong, I can tell a mile away if my child is trying to pull a fast one! But my point is, if it’s a sensible conversation about something important, then their views are always important. I don’t want my children to be molded by my thoughts, I want to guide them in a way that they are protected, but free enough to make their own decisions and know that whichever decisions they make and whatever the outcome, I will be there for them no matter what. If I give my children respect, they will not expect anything less from anyone else. I want my children to be independent, strong, feel supported and be proud of who they are.
I teach them honesty, if they have done something wrong, then come and tell me. They may not always want your help, but the fact that you are supporting them through it means they are not alone. It also gives them new eyes to help solve the problem. We can discuss the issue until they come up with the best solution for them … if that is what they want.
I always try to do fun things with them, so they can experience many new things, see new places and meet new people. The activities we do doesn’t have to be expensive, but spending quality time together gives a child the sense of belonging.
I try to not put pressure on them, I always encourage them to do their best, if they didn’t get the test results they hoped for, but they genuinely worked hard for it, then that is more than good enough. Everyone learns differently, everyone has strengths and weaknesses, what someone is brilliant at one thing, they may be rubbish at another … Who really minds??, but the kids need to understand this so they can 1) take pressure off themselves, 2) respect other people’s achievements and 3) not put pressure on others … If the kids are running a race, of course I am there shouting for a win, everyone wants their child to win right? But if they come last, I will still give them a massive squeeze, tell them they did really well and remind them there’s always a next time!
Always let your child know that if they try their hardest then you will be proud, celebrate their achievements, but it is also ok to not be the best!
My biggest fear, other than safety, is that they are unhappy. That they are stuck in a job they hate, in a relationship that is painful, in a life that isn’t what they want and surrounded by people that make them miserable.
If your child grows up feeling like their opinions count, that they believe that with a bit of hard work they can do anything in life, that there is no law saying they have to waste their time on people that doesn’t want the best for them, that they should respect others and help where they can, then not just your daughters, but your sons will become wonderful, well rounded people, with a great life and most importantly, full of confidence to know they are not just unique, but amazing too.
Now don’t get me wrong, I am by no means perfect, my children are not perfect, who is? What is perfect?? … This article comes with news that there really is no such thing as perfect, so one thing we can do as parents is to take the pressure off ourselves to get it right all the time! We are all making it up as we go along and all we can do, is do our best, by ourselves, but especially by our children. If we do, then all will come good in the end!
My daughter is now a young adult. She has been through some stuff over the years, and it absolutely amazes me how strong and confident she is. She does not put up with people that treat her badly, she has good people around her and has worked out early in life that she would rather have five amazing people to spend her time with, than 15 crap ones! I could not be any more proud of the beautiful young woman she is, who has a very exciting life ahead of her. It may have been down to how we have brought her up, but our job is to be the guidance, you sort of sign up to that when you become parents! She is the one that has built the strength, she is the one that doesn’t get easily led, she is the one that believes in herself, she is the one that has put in the hard work to get where she is. That to me is what International Women’s Day is about, celebrating the women that has the power to make the changes and stand tall.
That is my daughter and I couldn’t be more proud.
